Pamela Simmons Counseling

RELATIONSHIP TIPS FEBRUARY 2010

Give up resisting your partner.

It’s interesting that when I ask people what they want, the answer begins with a list of what they don’t want. Our minds are tricky. It helps if we translate the “don’t wants” into “do wants,” so we’ll start attracting what we wish.

If we think in positives, we’ll attract more positives. This works in relationships too.
If I think, “My partner never helps me with chores,” my brain will look for evidence of my partner not helping.

If I think, “My partner helps with chores,” my brain will look for evidence of my partner helping.

Ask for what you want in a positive way.

When communicating, it helps to make positive statements and requests rather than complaining, criticizing, or demanding. Avoid expressions like: “don’t,” “you didn’t,” “you should have,” “you never,” “you always,” “why didn’t you,” “why don’t you.”
Words like should, why, never, always, typically generate defensive reactions. If our intention is to generate cooperation and a happy atmosphere, we can language requests that honor our intentions.

Instead of saying, “We never go out any more,” say, “Let’s do something special this weekend.”
Instead of saying, “You forgot to empty the trash again,” say, “Would you empty the trash next time? It was really full, so I emptied it.”

The secret to asking for more is to do it without conveying a message of blame, shame, or guilt. It works best with an easy tone, as if you are asking him/her to pass the butter. There’s no need to demand or doubt your partner will hear you.

If you communicate with the idea your partner won’t hear you, then your partner won’t hear you.

Resist common negative behaviors or attitudes. In a moment of positive feeling briefly ask for what you want in friendly terms and then patiently persist. Continue to ask again occasionally, but each time ask again as though it’s the first time. After a few requests, your partner will become aware that they are not giving you what you want and then really appreciate you for not giving them a hard time. This appreciation will free your partner from resistance and motivate your partner to do more for you. This same approach applies to every relationship in the office, at school, or at home.